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 Judge not, that ye
be not judged. So the bible says. I wish
I could claim that I've been non-judgmental
in my life, but that would be a lie. I was raised
in a very critical family. I thought it best
to heed my parents' and teachers' judgments
so I wouldn't disappoint them. After all, they
expected me to be my best! Over time, their
critical thoughts became my own. I grew masterful
in the art of self-judgment, striving for perfection;
condemning myself when I failed. My inner critic
took charge - and the more it did, the less
self-confident I felt, even if I did look the
part!
According to psychologists
Hal and Sidra Stone, the Inner Critic is a "voice
that develops within us that echoes the concerns
of our parents, our church, or other people
who were important to us in our early years.
We literally develop a "self," a separate sub-personality,
that criticizes us before our parents - or anyone
else, for that matter - can!" Over time,
this voice not only serves to erode our self-confidence,
it limits our capacity by keeping us trapped
in fear. Unconscious fear begins to drive our
choice-making. We avoid risk-taking, fearing
we'll disrupt the status quo or upset an important-someone
with our behavior. We work harder than we have
to, overachieving to prove we're good enough
or avoid failure. The Inner Critic begins to
run our lives, but instead of nurturing our
talents, it puts pressure on us to perform.
It limits us in the following ways:
- It constricts our ability to be creative.
- It stops us from taking risks because it
makes us fear failure.
- It views our lives as a series of mistakes
waiting to happen.
- It undermines our courage to change.
- It compare us unfavorably with others and
makes us feel "less than."
- It is constantly warning us not to look
foolish.
- It is terrified of being shamed and so
monitors all our behaviors to avoid this.
- It can make looking at ourselves in the
mirror or shopping for clothes miserable because
of its ability to create such a negative view
of our bodies.
- It can take all the fun out of life with
its criticisms.
- It makes self-improvement a compulsive
chore because it bases the work on the premise
that something is wrong with us.
- It doesn't allow us to take in the good
feelings that other people have toward us.
- It causes us to suffer from low self-esteem,
and possibly depression, because it tells
us that we are not good enough.
- It makes us susceptible, and often victim,
to the judgments of other people.
Releasing judgment
over others begins when we learn to stop judging
ourselves. Our judgments will never leave us.
Those thoughts are inscribed forever in our
minds. But with conscious intention, we can
learn to use our critical thoughts in a constructive
manner to help us choose wisely, risk safely,
and establish appropriate boundaries, transforming
our fearful voice into a productive ally for
life.
No matter how you've dealt
with your Inner Critic, you can choose to transform
this negative voice into a supporter rather
than a saboteur by engaging in an empowering
process known as Voice Dialogue. Working with
a facilitator in a face-to-face or phone session,
the process helps you identify a primary aspect
of your personality that you'd like to learn
more about - maybe a part of you that's been
comparing yourself to the competition, beating
yourself up for not winning the deal or getting
that recent promotion. The facilitator invites
that aspect of the your personality to engage
in a conversation, exploring the situation from
the "comparer's" perception, the role it's been
playing in your life, past and present, and
what it wants and needs from you at this time.
The object of the conversation is not to analyze
or judge the voice as good or bad, but rather,
to help you deepen your awareness of how it
impacts your life - your self-concept, your
choice-making, your career success, your relationships
- and how to use this voice more effectively
to live a productive, peaceful life.
We are whole human
beings at our core, but often we're not aware
of the many facets that shape our brilliance.
Voice dialogue is a powerful process that shines
a light on all of who we are and all we can
be. For additional insight on Voice Dialogue,
read Know Thyselves, http://delos-inc.com/Reading_Room/Articles/11/11.html,
or contact me at 404-352-0340 to schedule a
Voice Dialogue session soon.
 The enlightening book, Embracing
Your Inner Critic: Turning Self-Criticism into
a Creative Asset, authored by
the creators of the Voice Dialogue process,
Hal and Sidra Stone, introduces you to your
Inner Critic, explaining how it operates in
your life and in relationship with others. Through
the Stone's use of powerful examples and self-help
exercises, you'll learn how to transform this
critical voice into a perceptive and supportive
partner in life. Read an excerpt.
Email pcarrera@humanarts.biz
or call 404-352-0340 for additional information
or to register for the following events.
EMBRACING YOUR INNER CRITIC: TELE-BOOK
DISCUSSION GROUP ~ Mondays, July 10 - 31
from 8:00 - 9:00 p.m. EDT. Series fee $79, maximum
10 participants. Transform self-criticism
into a creative force for personal growth. Learn
to recognize your inner critic, avoid "critic
attacks," and harness this voice to serve your
greatest good. Weekly discussion topics include:
- Jul 10 Introducing Your Inner Critic:
What is my inner critic and where did
it come from? What tools will help free me
from the power it holds over me?
- Jul 17 How the Inner Critic Operates:
How does the critic impact my self-esteem,
health, and personal/professional image? How
does it overpower me?
- Jul 24 The Inner Critic and Relationships:
How do I free myself from other's opinions?
Self-imposed judgments? Comparison? Sabotaging
relationships?
- Jul 31 Transforming the Inner Critic:
How do I use my inner critic to serve
my greatest good? To engage my inner authority,
self-discipline, and creativity?
A WOMEN'S POWER LUNCH ~ GROUP TELE-COACHING:
Speak your truth with greater conviction,
Stand in your ground without doubt or fear,
and bolster your influence without political
game-playing in this dynamic 6-week
series designed to strengthen your authentic
power and influence. ACT NOW! Open enrollment
is limited to 5 participants at an introductory
rate of $250 (a savings of $148!) Series
includes (6) 1-hour "connected-learning" teleforums;
handmade journal and reflection note cards;
weekly summary emails with recommended readings;
and an individual coaching session valued at
$100.
Part I: POWER ~ Wednesdays, Jul
19, 26, Aug 2 from noon - 1:00 p.m. EDT
Using a six-stage model of power and a Personal
Power Profile, you identify the stage that
best defines your power edge, and through
coaching and group support, develop concrete
strategies to expand and leverage your "whole"
power -- external power, or capacity for
action, and your internal power, or capacity
for reflection.
Part II: INFLUENCE ~ Wednesdays,
Aug 16, 23, 30 from noon - 1:00 p.m. EDT
Thought-provoking journal exercises and empathic
conversations lead you deep beneath surface
of superficial tactics to the source of compromising
beliefs and behaviors that stop you from getting
what you really want. Your influence is strengthened
as you claim desire (Intention); prioritize
presence; and engage tension.
REAL WOMEN & WINE ~ quarterly
networking at The Defoor Centre, Jul 20, from
5:30 - 8:00. "Upscale. An exceptional
group of women. Loads of connections surprised
and delighted me. I really enjoyed the unstructured
environment," so say the women who attended
our first event in January. If you're ready
for a more relaxed approach to networking with
unlimited time to simply talk, then stop by
The Reading Room Café & Bar @ Defoor
Centre, a welcoming, creative meeting
space located in up and coming West Atlanta.
Visit www.defoorcentre.com
to check it out.
To sign up, email pcarrera@humanarts.biz with "Real Women & Wine" in the subject line, your phone number and number of guests. You'll receive a confirmation with directions on Jul 17. No entry fee. You pay for only what you eat or drink.
EXECUTIVE WOMEN'S CONNECTION ~
Fall session begins September 2006 This cutting-edge leadership
development process connects five directors
and/or vice presidents from non-competitive
companies -- women committed to delivering key
results, balancing priorities, and advancing
their careers with integrity. Unlike traditional
"event-based" leadership programs, HumanArts'
four month sustainable learning model serves
to deepen self-knowledge, expand authentic power
and influence, heighten risk-taking, and build
a network of real lasting support. Developmental
strategies include teleforums, one-on-one coaching,
and a 2-day residential retreat in the most
glorious of settings at Serenbe B&B Farm and
Conference Center. For additional information
visit www.humanarts.biz/ewc.htm.
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Read an excerpt
Wise
parents offer criticism only when asked, and
then minimally.
Leonard Roy Frank
Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
Carl Jung
We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.
Paula Coelho
Criticism is an attack upon your very self. The effect can be profound.
Adele Faber
Under any circumstance, simply do your best and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.
Don Miquel Ruiz
I have yet to find the man, however exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than under a spirit of criticism.
Charles M. Schwab
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