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 I was recently invited
to attend an executive women's meeting, a power
lunch, so to speak, at a prestigious downtown
club. The woman who sat next to me felt strangely
familiar. We introduced ourselves, first names
only, chatting politely before exchanging business
cards. Woe! I was stunned. Her last
name was eerily familiar. You did my legal
separation 16 years ago, I gasped out loud.
It was then that I had convinced this befuddled
attorney that a separation was exactly what
I needed - not a divorce. Why now?
I pondered. Why has she stepped onto my
path after 16 years and a lifetime of change?
I didn't have an answer, that is, until I sat
down days later to work on a speech titled From
Victim to Victorious: A Journey of My Choosing.
Victorious? Who
the hell do I think I am? A surge of humility
got me questioning the title. I pulled the dictionary
off the shelf and read the definition for the
word, victor: to conquer, win; one that
defeats an enemy or opponent. The words
didn't ring true for me. I continued reading
the dictionary. Victorious: fulfilled.
Victory: success in a struggle or endeavor
against odds or difficulties. Bingo! The
word 'struggle' struck a cord.
Yes, I had struggled
against grave odds 16 years ago. I had survived
an abusive marriage. But tell me, who doesn't
struggle in life? I can't even imagine the struggle
of putting my life back together after the devastation
of Hurricane Katrina. We all have difficulties
to overcome, don't we? Now please don't think
I'm minimizing my abuse or excusing my abuser.
Violence, especially violence at home, is never
justified. But my experience of abuse, and the
suffering I endured because of it, turned into
a source of great strength for me. Without this
experience, God only knows if I would have broken
free from denial and reached beyond my pain
to resurrect real power.
It's difficult to
claim authentic power in a society that equates
power with external success -- status, wealth,
titles, degrees, affiliations, recognition,
and yes, invitations to special events, including
"power lunches" at prestigious clubs. Achieving
success confirms our worth; it has from the
time we were little children. Author Janet O.
Hagberg, author of this month's featured book,
Real Power, believes that Power by
Achievement, stage three in her six stage model
of personal power, "contains the best and the
worst of our culture." According to Janet, people
equate achievement with the word "control."
"Control suggests discipline and persistence;
it suggests well-thought-out responses and comparison
against standards." All fine attributes when
we're striving toward a goal; but dangerous
when control becomes an addiction and takes
over our or someone else's life!
I know this type of control quite well. It was inflicted on me as a victim. And to be honest, I inflicted it right back - not with brut force, mind you. He was much bigger than me. But I subtly threatened and manipulated to get my way. I tried to control the uncontrollable, a trait that interestingly, was often rewarded at work. Finally, after months of struggling against my outer enemy, I found the courage to embrace the victim who lived within. This may sound strange, but I had feared her more than I feared my abuser. I thought her weak; a vulnerable child who could easily destroy my image and ruin my career.
Thank goodness I didn't deny her pain. Together, we endeavored against grave odds. We found the strength to let go of our compulsion to control the enemy. After 16 years I'd finally learned that there was no need to fear her any longer, not even at a power lunch with an accomplished attorney who "knew me when." Victorious irony, don't you think? Victorious power -- with a surge of humility!
Jack Welch, ex-CEO of GE, lives by the credo, "face reality as it is, not as is was or as you wish it were." Nice statement. Relevant I suppose, when you're speaking of hard facts and figures. But when you're dealing with people, reality is never the same. We're multifaceted creatures with multiple realities. We're all over the place; confused much of the time. Strong CEO's know how to pull people together to create a unified reality. And metaphorically, it's the strong CEO within our selves who helps make us whole.
The "CEO of Self" is a phrase often used in the language of Voice Dialogue. Voice Dialogue is a process that serves to deepen self-awareness and increase personal power. Individuals gain power over themselves by identifying habitual patterns of thought, feeling, and behavior that, although useful at times, may interfere with achieving today's goals. Working with a facilitator in a session, a client identifies a primary aspect of their personality that appears to be dominating a situation, for example, a "Pusher" who keeps working overtime and getting sick. Once the Pusher dialogues with the facilitator, they explore the opposite end of the spectrum, in this case, the client's "Lazybones," who was never allowed to just hang out as a kid. Expressing both aspects of self helps the client see the gift in each part. It serves to reduce self-judgment and break down old patterns of conditioning that limit his or her ability to consciously choose.
You have a choice: consciously choose to take a day-off or unconsciously bring on an illness. As CEO you have a responsibility to listen within to hear a variety of opinions, weigh all options, and then make the best choice. The more information you have, the more powerful a CEO you become. "Knowing Thyself" isn't a full view of reality; Knowing Thy "Selves" is. If you're interested in knowing more of your selves, contact me at 404-352-0340 by Oct 15 to receive a 15% reduction in Voice Dialogue fees through year end. Sessions can be conducted via phone or in person.
 What is power? Is it an ability
to achieve lofty goals, amass great wealth or
rise in the ranks of business? Or does power
flow from a mystical source that is ethereal
and too difficult to grasp? For certain, "power
is elusive and confusing," writes Janet O. Hagberg,
author of Real Power: Stages of
Personal Power in Organizations.
Janet, a nationally recognized speaker and author,
and former Executive Director of The Silent
Witness Initiative, a non-profit organization
dedicated to eliminating domestic violence homicides,
moves readers to a profound, yet highly pragmatic
understanding of the value of authentic power
in organizations today. To learn more about
her Six Stage Model of Power, and the Real Power
Network that I'm honored to be a part of, visit
http://www.janethagberg.com/stages.htm.
REAL WOMAN OR CORPORATE
CUT-OUT? Dec 2, Georgia
State University, Alpharetta Center, Atlanta,
GA. Join Phyllis Carrera, CPCC and
Elizabeth B. Loyd, LCSW for a conversation about
the challenges of staying "real" in corporate
America. Look for details in early October.
South Carolina Coalition
Against Domestic Violence & Sexual Assault,
Annual Conference, BOUNCING BACK FROM TRAUMA,
Nov 3-4, Myrtle Beach, S.C. Phyllis presents
From Victim to Victorious: A Journey
of My Choosing. For additional
information, visit www.sccadvasa.org/trainings/REGISTRATION.htm.
Louisiana Coalition Against Domestic
Violence: JOINING HANDS & HEARTS CONFERENCE,
TBA. This annual conference was planned for
Sept 6-8, but was cancelled due to Hurricane
Katrina. LCADV is in critical need of donations
to assist battered survivors and their children
who have been directly affected by this disaster.
Please visit www.lcadvhrf.org
and donate today!
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Click here to read an excerpt
He is most powerful who has power over himself.
Seneca
He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still.
Lao Tzu
Power can be taken, but not given. The process of taking is empowerment in itself.
Gloria Steinem
Use power to curb power.
Chinese Proverb
I hope our wisdom will grow with our power, and teach us, that the less we use power the greater it will be.
Thomas Jefferson
When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace.
Jimi Hendrix
The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have it.
Alice Walker
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